By A.G.S.Kariyawasam
Motherhood is viewed in Buddhism as a position of high responsibility as well as of respectability. If a woman goes through her household life honouring the responsibilities cast on her as a mother, she can lay claim to honour and respectability in commensurate with the degree of sincerity she has displayed in discharging those responsibilities. It was by highlighting this responsible and respectable position as the mother of man that the Buddha raised the status of women in society. A person has none else as worthy of honour and respect as one’s own mother, provided she has played the mother’s role well and correct. It is such a mother, along with one’s motherland, that is valued even higher than the life in heaven (janani janmabhumis ca svargatabi gariyasi).
A fact that deserves special focusing in Buddhism is that the woman as the mother is always mentioned first when referring to the parental pair in the compound form mata-pitaro. This preferential position is never given to the father, who obviously plays a secondary role in bringing up children. This only highlights the high price of motherhood and the onerous responsibility that goes with it. From the Buddhist point of view a good mother must of necessity, be a good wife as well. If the husband does not do his role she may be helpless but, very often, a good and efficient wife must be able to get him as well on the correct track, barring a few incorrigible exceptions.
This ability is the main weapon that a woman can have owing to her innate corrective power as a mother, provided she cultivates it properly. But, on the other hand, if the mother fails in her mission, everyone else also would fail; specially the children, who constitute our future generations.
The successful motherhood ultimately depends on the proper discharge of reciprocal duties by all the members of the family as taught by the Buddha in the Sigala Discourse (31st discourse of the Digha Nikaya), which really exhausts the lessons on running a successful family life. Here the main duty of the mother (along with the father) should be to dissuade the children from evil ways through precept and practice and to persuade them to do good in like manner, to give them a sound education, to get them married to suitable partners at the proper time and to hand over to them the inheritance when the time comes for it.
These are the bare duties of motherhood (also of fatherhood), the framework on which the rest should be based. All through his discourses the Buddha has highlighted the close intimacy in the relationship between mother and her offspring. Mother is given as the best of friends, best of relatives, best of elders etc. in this sense (e.g. Dhammapada stz. 43; Suttanipata stz. 296 etc.).
Without the mother’s protective cover a child’s life can become open to many serious dangers because none else can provide that love of a mother to her offspring. Knowing this well the Buddha has used it in the well-known simile in the Metta Sutta: “like a mother who protects her own only child even at the expense of her life” – mata yata niyam puttam ayusa ekaputtamanurakkhe: Sn. stz. 149. In the Jataka Book, Cowel’s Eng. Tr. 5, p. 46) occurs the following couplet:
“A mother gazing on her baby boy,
Is thrilled in every limb with holy joy.”
The Buddha has conceded this unique position to motherhood because of the closely acquainted knowledge and understanding he had regarding human relations. Once a deity came to Him and introduced the following question: “Who is the best friend one has at home?” – kim su mittam sake ghave? Quite unhesitatingly the Buddha replied: “Mother is the best friend one has at home” – mata mittam sake ghave: (Samyutta N., I. p. 37, pts). This statement encapsulates the entire philosophy behind this problem.
Thus far this discussion has been focusing on the positive and desirable aspect of motherhood, which is the general position expected from a mother. But, when a mother fails in this duty of hers, willingly or unwillingly, that would spell hell and ruin for the unfortunate child victim because none else in the world can replace the natural mother in this respect. Rarely though, this dark aspect of motherhood is not uncommon nowadays.
Hence, against this backdrop of the unique value of motherhood in civilised human living, a child unwanted by its mother would be a sure victim of tragic circumstances.
Firstly, it has lost its main mentor and redeemer. With the modern dehumanisation of society resulting in the degeneration of not only traditional but even natural value-systems, such tragic situations are becoming commoner and commoner. Even sacred motherhood has not been able to remain unsullied. When a child becomes the victim of its own mother’s neglect and ill-treatment, nothing can be more unfortunate for that poor soul, who would very often receive the same treatment from every quarter, including its own father and the other members of the family.
If the victim is a born weakling he would end up as an imbecile and a burden to society. On the other hand, if he were a strong personality by birth, he would turn out to be a rebel or even a criminal, wreaking vengeance all around, thereby creating problems for all concerned. He is bound to be maladjusted socially not being able to face the life’s problems with the understanding and courage required. His talents would go wasted as the opportunity for their proper development had been lost. His life can become a misery. All this because motherhood has failed in its bounden duty towards family and society.
Although the father is generally the breadwinner, the mother’s role supersedes that of the father in the matter of rearing children. Child’s healthy development, family peace, mutual co-operation among its members etc. depend mainly on the mother’s skill in handling things. Hence her main concern should be to safeguard her position as the symbol of sacred motherhood, wherein her character calls for the most careful attention. There is a popular saying among the Sinhala villagers that “if the mother is good the daughter is bound to be good just as the powdered turmeric preserves its quality when the grinder is in good condition” –
gala honda nam ambarana kaha mak veida
mava honda nam duva pativata norekeida?
Another folk idiom states: “if the mother is lost, what can be expected from the father?” – amma nomati kala appa kavara kala? Here it can be seen how traditional folk wisdom meets eye to eye with the Buddha’s practical wisdom.Besides the problem of “unwanted children” at the hands of bad mothers, who are derogatorily referred to as “humma” in the folk idiom, there are certain mothers who commit the error of having “favourites” among her children. This creates problems for all concerned, specially for the other siblings. This is a common source of disunity with harmful consequences, doing no good to anyone. A mother’s love should be common to all her offspring.
Another common mistake, specially in Sri Lanka, is the burdening of children with excessive family burdens. Very often the eldest in a family is made the scapegoat of the entire family. This is not merely unfair but criminal because it hinders and prevents the proper development of the victim’s personality. It can easily develop a hatred in him towards the entire family with unpleasant consequences for all concerned. Only a foolish and a wicked mother would do it. The preceding discussion would clearly prove the justification of the Buddha in placing proper motherhood on a high pedestal and calling the mothers collectively with respect by the term “matugama.”